So when I got home last night from our first workout with
Bree I had this strange feeling that I couldn’t shake. It wasn’t a good
feeling, like this little black monster creeping around the edges of my
consciousness that wouldn’t go away. I thought maybe it was from being tired
due to the intense workout or maybe some negativity because my husband and I
were arguing earlier in the evening, but the more I thought about it the more
elusive it became. What was it that was bothering me so much?
After an almost sleepless night it hit me this morning. For
my entire life I have carried around this 20-40 pound security blanket. When I
look in the mirror and don’t like what I see or when someone doesn’t like me,
it’s ok. It’s ok because I’m not putting the best version of myself out there
and I know it, so somehow my judgment of myself and the judgment of others can
be justified. So what happens when I don’t have that security blanket? What
happens if I look in the mirror after all this work and STILL don’t like what I
see? Scary thought.
What I’m realizing is that losing weight and getting in
shape has nothing to do with what’s in the mirror, it has to do with what’s
between your ears. It’s an emotional process just as much as it’s physical.
It’s so much easier to dedicate time and money to other people and causes;
volunteering, your job, your kids, your family. Why is it so hard to dedicate
time and money to yourself? I think its part of the female condition to nurture
and love, so why is it so difficult for us to nurture and love ourselves? The
truth of the matter is there is some guilt associated with this whole process,
guilt that I’m spending hours away from my child and my husband to focus solely
on myself. I can spend countless hours away from them volunteering but for some
reason the thought of spending time away from them to *gasp* better myself, is
just plain selfish.
I feel like my layers of fat are like layers of an onion,
cliché to say I know. As they are peeling away I am getting closer and closer
to who I really am, and frankly I’m a little scared at what I might find. Will
she be confident and proud like I hope she is? Will I like her? The truth of
the matter is although this is a new and sometimes frightening process; the
control still lies with me. I will still be a great person on the inside no
matter what I look like on the outside. Growing up (and I believe I still am)
is a constant evolution and revolution, a steady and fluctuating state of
discovering new things and discarding the old. Our brains aren’t fully mature
until we’re 25 years old, so my 27 year old brain is really still a baby; still
learning, growing and changing.
This battle is all about me vs. me. I am through telling
myself I’m not good enough to spend time on, not good enough for the life I
have, and not good enough for the amazing people that surround me. I have three
incredible women to help me through this; Amanda, Bree, and myself. It’s
not going to be kittens and rainbows and happy go lucky inspirational stories
every day, some of it’s going to be hard to swallow and tough to accept, but
I’m going to do it because...
…I am worthy.
-Meg
xoxo
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