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Monday, June 25, 2012

The Girl in the Mirror

Something very strange occurred to me the other day while I was watching one of our posing videos. I'm not sure about everyone else but in previous history, the person I saw every day in the mirror was definitely not the person I saw in pictures and videos. It amazed me how often I could feel great about the way I looked or the outfit I was wearing only to be horrified a few hours later when someone snapped a pic.

I DREADED Facebook pictures. As soon as someone would tag a photo of me I'd cringe and hope that it wasn't terrible. Most of them, inevitable, were definitely terrible. I hated pictures. Every event that I attended had lots of pictures of my husband and my son, but rarely of me. Seeing a bad picture was like bursting a little optimistic bubble in my mind; if I didn't see any pictures of how I looked I could keep telling myself that I looked great. I could keep on pretending that the person I saw in the mirror was one and the same with the person that everyone else saw.

I honestly believe that when we look in the mirror, we see what our soul reflects. If you're a beautiful soul and person you will see that beauty in the mirror. The problem is that inner beauty doesn't always translate into outer beauty, and the unfortunate reality of photographs is that they only show what's on the outside. It's amazing what the mind can do with an image, ask anyone that's struggled with an eating disorder or body dismorphic disorder. What they see in the mirror is certainly not what the world sees, and that disparity between the two can cause a tremendous amount of anxiety and despair.

What happened while I was watching that video is that I realized I recognized that person as ME. It wasn't a fat version of myself, which is what I'd always seen in pictures before. There was no cringe or wince at how my body looked or the facial expression I was making. It was just me; the me that I saw in the mirror every day was finally the me I was looking at on my screen. It was so profound to me that I would never again have to un-tag myself from a Facebook photo, that I could happily jump in a picture with my friends and not be afraid of looking bigger than everyone else in the photo. When I look in the mirror now I realize that this is what everyone else sees too, my inner beauty is on the outside.

Nothing can explain the way that feels. When people see me now I know that they see me for who I really am, not a fit girl stuck in a fat girls body. I don't plead them with my eyes to talk to me before they judge me. I am who I am meant to be, inside and out, and being confident with that knowledge is absolutely priceless. If for no other reason, keep going towards your fitness goals for that purpose alone. When you achieve it it's like two pieces of a puzzle finally coming together, a synergy like nothing else I've ever felt. I know that each of you can experience this for yourselves, the world is waiting to see the real you, don't keep us waiting. Your inner beauty is too breathtaking to be kept inside any longer.

Meg

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Fight Fat, and Win

I am officially declaring a victory over being fat. Our show is still three weeks away but I truly feel as if I now no longer fit in the 'fat' category and it feels fucking amazing. I remember vividly being a young girl and being teased about my weight. Being self conscious and unhappy about my appearance is a monkey I will HAPPILY throw off of my back, and run over, with a bulldozer.

The difference between this and every other weight loss attempt before this is that I have kept it up for six months and persevered long enough to create a nice little lifestyle for myself. I didn't have six months of perfection but I had half a year of consistency, THAT'S the key right there. I've been able to adhere to very strict diets for a few weeks or months before but as soon as I had a bad weekend I was right back at square one again, eating with reckless abandon and sitting on my ass. Now that I know what it feels like to work hard enough to afford some excellent eating here and there, I appreciate it so much more. I love my strange little eating routine because it makes deviating from it that much sweeter.

I don't feel deprived. I can honestly say that I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Sure contest prep is much more strict than what I'll usually stick to, but it's only temporary. The thought of expanding my diet to incorporate some of my favorite foods again when I'm done is really motivating. Eating clean has become sort of a sport, what can you eat that tastes delicious and that also happens to be good for you? How can you squeeze the most volume out of the least amount of calories? I love to eat. That hasn't changed one bit. I've just discovered ways to substitute old stand by's for new ones. Instead of a quick dinner of spaghetti my go-to meal is now some broccoli slaw with a tilapia breast thrown on top, put an egg in there for some extra fat and protein when I'm allowed it and boom, there you have it, a delicious dinner that won't sit in your stomach like a bowling ball for three hours.

Stay with your eating and exercise plan long enough for it to become a habit. You'll get so good at planning your meals and workouts that it really becomes second nature, you'll do it without a second thought. Instead of grabbing a bag of chips. you'll grab a handful of pistachios. Instead of Saturday mornings at the mall you'll spend Saturday mornings at the gym (then hit the mall : ) ). It's not about how hard you can work to lose weight and look great the fastest so you can start eating like shit again. In order to get results you've never had you need to do something you've never done. If you start a new plan with the intention of only doing temporarily or until you've lost the weight you're doing it wrong. Start a plan with the intention of maintaining it for the rest of your life. Do it for your body, your organs, your lifespan, your children, your waistline, your self esteem. You can't keep up your unhealthy lifestyle and expect to look like a supermodel. You just can't, they don't coexist. You can't expect to eat a candy bar every day and still have an ass like J-Lo, and any diet that claims you can is full of shit. There is absolutely no secret or trick to it. Bodies like that take YEARS of training, eating right, and living a balanced lifestyle. If you want to look like that, then you need to do the same.

It's a huge, daunting, monumental undertaking and I know we all get tired of fighting the fight. It's so much easier to stay in our warm, calorie packed, cozy little couch-sitting comfort zones, but I promise you that once you get started you won't want to stop. The feeling of sculpting your body into a work of art is electrifying. You won't get tired of it. You'll never get tired of the compliments, buying size small at your favorite store, or having a guy run into something because he's so distracted by you. You will NEVER get tired of it. Instead of using food to feel good, use THAT to feel good. When you start to struggle just remember what it feels like to check out your developing muscles in the mirror. Take a moment, go there. Savor it and picture yourself with your ideal body ROCKING your life. Imagine never having to worry about looking fat in a picture ever again. You can do this. Declare war with your unhealthy body and start planning your victory party, 'cause it'll happen, the only person who determines if you win or lose.... is you.

Meg

Xoxo