Attention Please!

So there’s something that I’m really interested in discussing, and because it has to do with self image I thought it’d be a good topic for the blog. I’m talking about the intense drive some females have to seek out any kind of male attention, good or bad. I find it interesting because I would consider myself one of those females, although I have learned to manage it since meeting my husband, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the urge to get ho’d up and hit the club now and again. Now I want to make something very clear, I think there’s a huge variance amongst women in respect to the kind and level of attention they prefer from men. When I say that I seek out attention I don’t mean actually engaging in sexual or physical contact at all, although I know for some women it certainly leads to that. I’m talking about flirting, drink buying, the usual pick up tactics men use to pursue women at the bar. Something about feeling desirable and attractive is very, very powerful, and I know women who have thrown away careers, families, and good relationships to get it.

So what is it about male attention that makes us feel so powerful? And why does that power need to be given to us by men, and not ourselves or our female counterparts? I can count numerous times when a female friend paid me a compliment but it wasn’t nearly as influential as if a man had paid me the same compliment. Be it right or wrong, that’s just the way I feel.

I think there are two big reasons that our self esteem and self image are so closely tied to the quality and quantity of attention we get. The first one being something that’s discussed often and that’s certainly part of my subconscious motivations, and that’s the lack of a father figure or strong male role model in a young woman’s life. I believe that we are constantly seeking approval and acknowledgement from our fathers to feel validated and accepted, and when we don’t get that we seek that same approval from other men. The problem is the men giving us that attention aren’t usually interested in boosting our self esteem or helping us work through our daddy issues, if you know what I mean. Our desire to be loved and cared for translates into an unhealthy need for male attention, and the easiest way to get that attention is through our sexuality. Men are typically very visceral creatures and we know how to use that to our advantage, but that leads to an ultimate disadvantage. We are left feeling used, unhappy, and confused as to why the guy from the bar never called.

As I said there are many different levels of attention women seek, and not all of them are entirely unhealthy. The second reason I feel women try to attract men in this way is because as women, the ultimate success is unfortunately, usually measured in beauty. Now once again I want to make something clear, I don’t think that this is the way things SHOULD be. If it was my world, I would have a woman’s value be measured in intellect and accomplishment, not purely physical attributes. I do think that in some respects the tides are changing and that women are being recognized more and more for brains rather than beauty, but let’s face it, the women on TV and in the media in general are all beautiful. Men face another set of standards usually measured in monetary worth and material possessions, but that’s another topic all by itself. What I’m saying is that many women equate the most powerful woman as being the most beautiful, and using that beauty to procure drinks, compliments, gifts and repeated ogling is an intoxicating feeling for some.

One thing that I’ve learned over the years is that the reason my drive for attention has subsided is because the quality of attention I get now from my husband is far superior to any attention I get from some sleaze ball at the bar. Once you get a taste for REAL love and REAL attraction, the fake stuff rarely feels good anymore. Sure it’s a little thrilling to have a man pay you a compliment or pursue you, but the thrill wears off fast and you seldom get anything out of it. The unfortunate reality is that plenty of girls at the bar wearing skimpy outfits are sad, hurt, and seeking love and affirmation from any man they can find. They are lost, just like I was. They have probably never known a man that’s treated them right and that’s truly respected them, it’s a terrible reality. The breakdown of the family unit has contributed to this issue, as I believe that young women are more often than not growing up in homes without strong male models. Not to say that the father figure necessarily needs to be male, I think that female same sex couples can offer the same stability and single parents can provide it under certain circumstances as well.

I don’t know the exact reason why some women are motivated by attention. I think we do it for different reasons, and the most basic of which is that it just feels good to have someone find you attractive. For some it may have to do with family, and for some it’s the thrill of the chase. I do think that what can be innocent enough to start with ends with disastrous results; infidelity, poor self esteem, a bad reputation. We need to teach our young women to find affirmation in other areas, and that their power is not a direct reflection of the public perceives as beauty. We are so much more than a body and a face, we are staggeringly complex and intuitive creatures. We deserve better than the level of treatment we sometimes seek out. Our little girls need to know that the praise of receiving an academic award is so much more validating and affirming than subjecting themselves to objectification.

Whether or not we like it, the media influences our perception of the world incredibly. The message women are being sent is that to be beautiful and desirable is the ultimate power, and that we can use that power to get what we want. It’s time to change the message. Power is subjective. Strive to achieve what gives you YOUR personal power, be it through academics, physical pursuits or intellectual avenues. I think it’s important to try and present our best selves to the world emotionally and physically, so inevitably our physical appearance is an important facet to incorporate. If being a beauty queen or model is the ultimate empowering pursuit for YOU, then go for it. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re objectifying yourself or subjecting yourself to something negative, if you feel empowered in a healthy way don’t let the negative Nancies get you down. Living in a world where women are respected for more than beauty is not devoid of beauty, it just recognizes that we have so much more than that to offer. We are all better than cat calls and ass grabs, it’s time we start acting like it.

Meg