So there’s something that I’m really interested in
discussing, and because it has to do with self image I thought it’d be a good
topic for the blog. I’m talking about the intense drive some females have to
seek out any kind of male attention, good or bad. I find it interesting because
I would consider myself one of those females, although I have learned to manage
it since meeting my husband, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the urge to
get ho’d up and hit the club now and again. Now I want to make something very
clear, I think there’s a huge variance amongst women in respect to the kind and
level of attention they prefer from men. When I say that I seek out attention I
don’t mean actually engaging in sexual or physical contact at all, although I
know for some women it certainly leads to that. I’m talking about flirting,
drink buying, the usual pick up tactics men use to pursue women at the bar.
Something about feeling desirable and attractive is very, very powerful, and I
know women who have thrown away careers, families, and good relationships to get
it.
So what is it about male attention that makes us feel so
powerful? And why does that power need to be given to us by men, and not
ourselves or our female counterparts? I can count numerous times when a female
friend paid me a compliment but it wasn’t nearly as influential as if a man had
paid me the same compliment. Be it right or wrong, that’s just the way I feel.
I think there are two big reasons that our self esteem and
self image are so closely tied to the quality and quantity of attention we get.
The first one being something that’s discussed often and that’s certainly part
of my subconscious motivations, and that’s the lack of a father figure or
strong male role model in a young woman’s life. I believe that we are
constantly seeking approval and acknowledgement from our fathers to feel
validated and accepted, and when we don’t get that we seek that same approval
from other men. The problem is the men giving us that attention aren’t usually
interested in boosting our self esteem or helping us work through our daddy
issues, if you know what I mean. Our desire to be loved and cared for translates
into an unhealthy need for male attention, and the easiest way to get that
attention is through our sexuality. Men are typically very visceral creatures
and we know how to use that to our advantage, but that leads to an ultimate
disadvantage. We are left feeling used, unhappy, and confused as to why the guy
from the bar never called.
As I said there are many different levels of attention women
seek, and not all of them are entirely unhealthy. The second reason I feel women
try to attract men in this way is because as women, the ultimate success is
unfortunately, usually measured in beauty. Now once again I want to make
something clear, I don’t think that this is the way things SHOULD be. If it was
my world, I would have a woman’s value be measured in intellect and
accomplishment, not purely physical attributes. I do think that in some respects
the tides are changing and that women are being recognized more and more for
brains rather than beauty, but let’s face it, the women on TV and in the media
in general are all beautiful. Men face another set of standards usually measured
in monetary worth and material possessions, but that’s another topic all by
itself. What I’m saying is that many women equate the most powerful woman as
being the most beautiful, and using that beauty to procure drinks, compliments,
gifts and repeated ogling is an intoxicating feeling for some.
One thing that I’ve learned over the years is that the reason
my drive for attention has subsided is because the quality of attention I get
now from my husband is far superior to any attention I get from some sleaze ball
at the bar. Once you get a taste for REAL love and REAL attraction, the fake
stuff rarely feels good anymore. Sure it’s a little thrilling to have a man pay
you a compliment or pursue you, but the thrill wears off fast and you seldom get
anything out of it. The unfortunate reality is that plenty of girls at the bar
wearing skimpy outfits are sad, hurt, and seeking love and affirmation from any
man they can find. They are lost, just like I was. They have probably never
known a man that’s treated them right and that’s truly respected them, it’s a
terrible reality. The breakdown of the family unit has contributed to this
issue, as I believe that young women are more often than not growing up in homes
without strong male models. Not to say that the father figure necessarily needs
to be male, I think that female same sex couples can offer the same stability
and single parents can provide it under certain circumstances as well.
I don’t know the exact reason why some women are motivated by
attention. I think we do it for different reasons, and the most basic of which
is that it just feels good to have someone find you attractive. For some it may
have to do with family, and for some it’s the thrill of the chase. I do think
that what can be innocent enough to start with ends with disastrous results;
infidelity, poor self esteem, a bad reputation. We need to teach our young women
to find affirmation in other areas, and that their power is not a direct
reflection of the public perceives as beauty. We are so much more than a body
and a face, we are staggeringly complex and intuitive creatures. We deserve
better than the level of treatment we sometimes seek out. Our little girls need
to know that the praise of receiving an academic award is so much more
validating and affirming than subjecting themselves to objectification.
Whether or not we like it, the media influences our
perception of the world incredibly. The message women are being sent is that to
be beautiful and desirable is the ultimate power, and that we can use that power
to get what we want. It’s time to change the message. Power is subjective.
Strive to achieve what gives you YOUR personal power, be it through academics,
physical pursuits or intellectual avenues. I think it’s important to try and
present our best selves to the world emotionally and physically, so inevitably
our physical appearance is an important facet to incorporate. If being a beauty
queen or model is the ultimate empowering pursuit for YOU, then go for it. Don’t
let anyone tell you that you’re objectifying yourself or subjecting yourself to
something negative, if you feel empowered in a healthy way don’t let the
negative Nancies get you down. Living in a world where women are respected for
more than beauty is not devoid of beauty, it just recognizes that we have so
much more than that to offer. We are all better than cat calls and ass grabs,
it’s time we start acting like it.
Meg
